Sexual encounters: Awkward vs Awesome.

Tips to getting it in: A guide for making sex a little more comfortable.

The first time you sleep with a new partner it can be painfully awful. It may even lead you to think that there is no spark, or that you've done something wrong. It just may be that you're in your twenties and you now know what you want in bed, but don't know how to communicate it properly. It's nothing that can't be fixed with just some tips ;D no pun intended.

Don't fake it! Communicate.

Ladies, if you want the sex to be good...stop thinking that faking it will help. Faking an orgasm is just going to leave you unhappy and unsatisfied. Take control of the situation and let him in on what you want. This guy isn't going to read your mind and you haven't been together long enough for him to "just know" what you want. You have to tell him. Even if you think what you want is embarrassing or that he wont want the same thing. You'd be surprised the things that men & women in their twenties have already experienced in bed. Just let him in on what you want and go for it! 

Don't jump into bed before you're ready: Make em wait! 

I'll set the scene...you're on a date, have had a few cocktails, and are beginning to like the idea of this person. With a couple of drinks in you, you can now talk openly with him/her and the physical attraction is clearly there. If you are smart you will slow your drinking pace, continue the great conversation, and leave him at the end of the night with a kiss. 

That sometimes...doesn't happen. We get so "caught in the moment" that we decide to sleep together in this buzzed up drunk on you state. Most of the time this will lead to a couple of outcomes....either the girl will fall madly in love and scare the guy away or vise versa...or usually you realize that the uncomfortable walk of shame you just experienced probably will be the last. 

Sometimes there is an exception if the two are somewhat miraculously open to this kind of thing. In that case all power to you, but for the most part this kind of sex is AWKWARD.

 Embrace your body: You're beautiful

It's never easy to get into the moment with someone that can't embrace their own body. If this person wasn't turned on by you they wouldn't be sleeping with you. So take it off! Don't be shy or leave your shirt on. Trust me, that will not help the sex to be any more comfortable, but will probably do just the opposite. So what you have a pooch or aren't as fit as most...at this moment it's not about that! So stop being self-conscious and embrace yourself, because you're beautiful and your partner knows it! 

 

 If you're not interested, don't do it! : Pity sex=disaster.

Don't force yourself to be with someone...EVER. I don't care if they just spent $500 on you or if they are extremely pathetic. It wont be good for anyone! Sex can be awkward that first time anyways....so if you're not interested or it's one sided...then it's just plain sad. Don't have sex with someone because your friends are pressuring you to. Just do you. Be you. If you don't want to have sex or aren't sexually attracted to someone...what good will it do for you to sleep with them? You probably wont talk to them the next day anyways and they sure as hell aren't going to father your children. Say goodnight and go home to your bed. Watch some stupid romantic comedy and think about the next guy. It's just not worth it.

 

The best sex is with someone your comfortable with. 

So if you're going to have sex with someone that isn't your boyfriend, choose someone that you feel comfortable with. That you can talk to and aren't afraid to tell them what you truly want in bed. Try to not make it someone that you can't afford to lose, because as comfortable as you are with having a casual sexual relationship...some may not be. He may have real feelings for you that lead to some awkward sex breakup...or something of the sort. 

The true best sex...as we all know...is with someone that you truly love. Someone that you can put before yourself. This kind of sex cannot be beat. It's fiery, perfect, and most times completely on the same page. This is what I have decided to wait for myself!

Not all of us have found our soul-mates though....
 

   

xoxo 

He said, she said.

He Said, She said.

Recently I posted a blog about dating do(s) and don't(s)

I thought I would follow up with a blog about the differences in perspectives from male to female. 

It's funny how the mind works, and how perspective is everything. I don't know how many times I have been in both positions of the couples in the video above. You can go on the absolute best date where nothing goes wrong & you leave completely smitten, but who's to say that to the other person the night was a dud. This happens more often than we like to admit. 

He's just not that into you.

Ladies....if there is a male in your life that you're currently sleeping with and he has never taken you out on a date, you haven't met his friends, and you only go over to his house after 12pm...HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. I see so many females get wrapped up on this idea that the guy they are sleeping with will come around. If he isn't your boyfriend then he probably doesn't want to be. It's as simple as that. "But he told me in bed that he really liked me." Key word: IN BED. Most guys will tell you exactly what you want to hear while you're feeding his sexual desires. It's just a known fact. It's not like you're going to have a guy tell you "Thanks so much for the sex, but I just don't really like you that much." No, he's going to sit there and dote on you until you leave his bed. Let's be real...do you really think it's every guy's hope that you will stay the entire night after sleeping together, cuddle, talk about life, and eventually in the morning he would LOVE to make you breakfast. Don't get me wrong...there will be a guy one day that will love doing those things with/for you...but this night time romeo is not that guy. GIVE IT UP. 
 

Mo' money mo' problems.

Now let's turn the tables....guys...
I'm going to set the scene: 5th date with a gorgeous girl you've been taking out. She is cordial, cute, loves all the things you do, and you really think she's "the one"...but...and yes there's a but...she hasn't kissed you and only texts you around dinner time. SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Okay, so she's probably into you a little...but mainly because you look good on paper. She's been telling her friends about this "guy she's dating" that takes her to the nicest dinners. She probably uses the words "he's such a nice guy" and "he's got a great job and you should see his car", but really she's been talking herself out of actually forming a relationship with you since you met. The main reason is probably that she could never see herself sleeping with you. The tricky thing about females is that we can go on 10 dates with a guy that we aren't even interested in and after each date go to the bar, get drunk with the guy we're actually interested in, and then sleep with said guy. Did you see how easy it was for him? It's not that chivalry is dead or even that "girls love assholes"..because one day she will meet a guy that she can have a steak dinner with before going home to have long hott steamy bedroom aerobics with. You my friend, are unfortunately not that guy. Don't text her 12 times in one week explaining how much you would love to take her out again, because she'll eat that up (Literally). Just cut your losses and keep looking for Juliet...because she is out there somewhere.

 So get on with it...

Keep dating and keep your head up. The perfect combination of sexy and cute is out there somewhere and one day you'll find that special someone that will watch Breaking Bad with you while eating pizza. Someone that will laugh at your snoring & love your stupid sense of humor. 

Never settle.

Life changes and dating rules.

Life & dating in your mid twenties 

Life changes when you get to a certain point in your mid twenties. It's no longer bars, midnight encounters, and college parties. Now, we're to the point in life where it's now wedding invitations, finding a career, blind dates, and baby showers. 

Where did the time go? Not too long ago my biggest worry was what to wear out with my girlfriends and now I'm worried about finding true love and how much time I have to make a career or have children. Going back to school feels odd at this point, but I'm willing to do it so that I can make something of myself. 

Love is easy when you're young and feel like you're invincible, but when you're moving in together and talking about a serious future it gets a little complicated. At this point in life secretly every female is making a list of qualities they want in their future husband. Every first date this list is creeping in the back of her mind...she is judging you. 

If you need a little help getting your list started ladies --> Here's an ehow on making your list.

DATING

It's important to know what you want and to be comfortable with it before you enter the dating scene. If you walk into dating in your 20's blind, you're going to be murdered. 

Here is a simple list of do's and don'ts in dating:

Do's

-buy a new outfit (you have to look and feel great)

-make sure to have an open mind

-wear comfortable shoes (wedges, flats, 3 in heels) stilettos are never first date worthy.

-make sure to relax before your date (nervous chatter=hott mess)

-know what you are looking for in a man

-just have fun (be yourself)

-get to know the basics about him and determine if there could be a 2nd date

-make sure he meets your qualifications and never settle

-kiss him goodnight (one of the most important factors is a kiss that fits)

Don'ts

-do not drink too much (no one likes a sloppy girl)

-don't make any comments about your future together (I don't care how desperate you are)

-do not bring up family problems (too soon to get into your daddy issues)

-don't eat too much (have a snack before...guys don't wanna see you stuff your face)

-do not brag about your career (nothing is more boring, I promise)

-don't talk negatively about anyone (leave the drama at girls night)

-do not talk about babies 

-don't bring up your ex boyfriends

-DON'T SLEEP WITH HIM (I don't care how sexy he is...it can wait.)

Just relax and be yourself...the most important thing on your first date is getting to know the person and having a good time. If there is no spark, don't sweat it. You have plenty of time and plenty of dates before you meet the love of your life. 

7 GIF's of dating mistakes (I thought it was pretty accurate)

...and when love takes too long and you feel like giving up...

There's always cake.

...and girls night will always cheer you up (but keep them to a minimal) it's more fun that way and there's more to talk about. Be woo girls, drink cheap champagne, smile, laugh, and talk about how depressing it is that all of your friends are getting married. It's one night when there are no rules, just love. 

I know it's been a while since I've blogged, but stay tuned because they will be coming more frequently! 

XOXO

Alyssa Lee

Broken hearts.

 

Once I had an ex of mine tell me that this was my song.

 

 

 

You may sit there and label me as a heartbreaker, but I see myself as a more of a love enthusiast. Or a romantic. I believe in true love and I believe sometimes that means trial and error. Sometimes that means a wait.

 

I might be breaking your heart today. I might be ending something great. I might be forever dooming myself to a life alone with my dog. I might regret this in a week, a month, or even a year...

 

Despite the mights I cannot help but act on feeling. If I am going to be in a relationship I am going to either give all or nothing. It is my nature to put my WHOLE heart into everything I do. I will give my heart to a stranger without question...that is who I am. I will do everything in my power to make someone smile when they are down. I also refuse to lie to anybody that I love. I refuse to let any heart linger in my fingertips. I can't. If I am not 100% yours than I am not yours at all, that's how I work.

 

I am a romantic.

 

-fanciful; impractical; unrealistic: romantic ideas.

 

....and yes that may mean that because of my unrealistic idea of love I will never find that person. If I don't though then at least I will know that I tried. I can say that I have loved before and it taught me to be a better person. I can honestly say that I never settled, and that is enough for me.

 

 

 

I'm sorry if this means I hurt you. If I have hurt you...I can tell you without question that I hurt myself in the process.

 

The problem I struggle with most is being forced not to talk after a break up. Going from talking to someone every day to completely cutting them out of my life is something I've never been able to do.

 

"Avoid the former love. Yes, avoid. No, this isn’t being immature. Seeing your former flame can bring out emotions and may cause you do to or say something you will regret. In the first few weeks the best thing you can do for yourself is not be where you know they will be."

 

Mike Hardcastle is probably right though, this is probably why my relationships always linger. I'm just not strong enough to stay away most of the time. I will be this time. I need to be, for him. I can't stand to see my ex boyfriend hurt so much.

 

There is no quick fix to a broken heart and that is something that I have learned the hard way.

 

Today I will look towards the future and let go of the past. I will leave him alone and not twist the dagger I've already placed in his heart. I will smile because what we had was fun, romantic, and exciting. I will move on alone and hope the best for the both of us.

 

This is my break up blog.

 

XOXO

Alyssa Lee

 

 

 



Some people shouldn't be allowed to handle children.

Today a status posted by my dear friend Seleste led me to read something that made me both furious and heartbroken...

Deranged nanny allegedly kills two children of CNBC media executive Kevin Krim and wife Marina; Kids, 2 and 6, are found by mom in bathtub at luxury upper West Side apartment building: NYPD

http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/mass-stabbing-west-side-article-1.1192419

I know I wont truly understand the grief that this mother is going through until I'm much older with a family of my own, but I'm just completely shocked.  Do the kids above look like they could do anything in this world to make you mad enough to even lay a hand on them? I just can't understand what could possibly drive somebody to hurt a child. The kids of a young popular blog writer that had everything in the world going for them had their life cut short for no reason. 

Reading the article I had similar feeling as when I saw the movie about Selena. My stomach started to hurt and tears started rolling down my cheek as I read it. I had to sit here and read 5 different articles before realizing that this was a true story.

I am just going to say right now...make it a vow to my future children...but before hiring a nanny I will do an extensive background check. I will take the extra time and money to not only drug test, but check references. This kind of thing makes you re-think nannies all together. 

Maybe that's not the best idea...

According to statistics mothers are more likely to kill their own children than hired help. This is apparently due to the fact that nannies have an out. They can quit by just simply leaving a note or letter and completely escape the situation. Mothers on the other hand are more likely to snap after being emotionally compromised by their children. Don't be afraid of hired help, just be careful who you choose.

I just wish that my future family never has to endure anything close to this tragedy. Also, I hope that this goes as an eye opener that young families need to be careful who they leave their children with. Spend the extra money to get background tests done on your new hire. Make sure that the person you are leaving your children with is not only reliable, but will keep them safe. My prayers and thoughts go out to the Krim's and their entire family. 

<3 RIP Leo & Lucia

-

Alyssa Lee

My kind of love story.

For those of you who are curious about how I fell in love with a boy from across the country...


Jonathan Michael Somerton.

Well....it was the fall of 2008 and I was just begining my "band boy" phase. I never really considered myself someone who was into musicians, but once you start you just don't stop. It all started with a boy I met working Hollister over-night. Let's call him Tim. Well Tim was an outgoing over the top funny guy who used to entertain us while we worked over night. After a while, I kind of found his stupid sense of humor and over-confidence attractive and developed a small crush. Well, after long debate I decided to give it a go and we started dating. Nothing serious or exclusive...but just kind of hanging out all the time and what not. Tim was the lead singer in a pop punk band...and what they say is right ladies...you should never date the lead singer. Talk about cocky and arrogant. I didn't have many other options at the time so I continued to date him for a couple of months.

 

One night Tim invited me to a party with his band and I decided to go. Of course we pre-gamed at his apartment and I was a little bit intoxicated already by the time that I got there. Jon was in town with his band recording an album with the one and only Mack Damon, and just so happen to take a break to attend this party. According to Jon I introduced myself to him about 4 different times..so lets just say I was a tad bit intoxicated at this point. Well, nonetheless we ended up talking to each other at the party for most of the night. His band was in the living room of this party jamming out on the floor if I remember correctly.

Towards the end of the night Jon & the guys invited us back to "the mansion" to hangout in the hot tub and drink some more, but Tim wasn't a fan of that idea so I had to decline. I remember really wanting to go and being bummed that out of loyalty I had to go with Tim.

 

Well it was a week or two later and I...being "Tim's girl" had to go to his show and support him...so we got dressed up and headed out to The Warhol for one of Tim's shows. When we got there we realized that Like a Movie (Jon's band) was also playing this show. It was a pleasant surprise that we would get to hangout with our new friends again. After Jon's band played he came up to me and said hi...small talk presumed...and the conversation turned to "You wanna see my van, there's a bed in it". Of course that brought on a sarcastic remark from me and I declined his invitation to his van/bed...but we eventually ended up checking it out anyways. "I'm not trying to get you in my van, I just want to show you." I know where your mind is going...but we were just friends guys...come on!

 

We ended up chatting in his trailer for what seemed like hours. I felt comfortable with Jon like I didn't feel with Tim, so I decided to give him my number. After the show we ended out hanging out whenever I had time to. I would go hangout at the studio with my good friend Mack Damon, while Jon would play video games. We never really established anything more than friendship though, because at the time I was spoken for. I did really enjoy his company though and I knew that I had a little crush..even though I wouldn't admit it.

 

(Jon and I at the Riverwalk in 2008)

 

One night towards the end of their stay here in Texas, we went to The Riverwalk to eat some Mexican food with all the guys. I brought my best friend Brianna with me and it was the start of a great night. When we got to the restaurant I remember Brianna and I going to the bathroom and me talking about how I liked Jon, but I coudn't do anything because of Tim. Even though Tim and I really technically were not together. Anyways...it was kind of cold out so Jon gave me his hoody. I think it was one of those times that you both know something is there, but don't say anything. On the ride home we ended up cuddling in the back of the van and falling asleep together. That was when I knew that this thing I had with Jon was a little more than friendship.

The night they were leaving they decided to throw a big going away party for the LAM guys at the mansion. I left before Time because I was going to the party with my other girlfriend. We showed up and instantly I ended up around Jon... we started drinking and everyone was having a good time. I believe Jon and I decided with a group of people to get into the hot tub so he gave me some boxers to wear (since I didn't have my suit) and we got in. My feelings for Jon were growing at this point and I decided to finally let him know how I feel. We ended up in his room and I just straight up told him that I liked him. Turned out he was back with his girlfriend though, and so we just ended up talking all night. Womp womp...

Well, after he left we kind of just left it where it was and I went back to my life...of course without Tim. That was over before it had even started.

Two months later I hear from Jon...not only do I hear from him, but he's also single now. We start texting and talking on the phone on a regular basis and in a couple of months he says that his band will be going on tour (which means he'll be coming through Texas again!) We decide to have a non-exclusive don't ask don't tell kind of relationship with each other. We would be cute on the phone and pretty much be dating, but since we were so far from each other we could still pretty much live the single life. At the time it worked for the both of us quite well. There were a couple of hiccups along the way, but for the most part we had something to look forward to and it was all worth it.

  

July comes around and Jon's making his way to Texas. When he finally gets to me I was so nervous/excited/ready. We spent a week of drinking, eating, movies, and just being in love. It was so much fun and we just kind of fit together instantly. We were young and enjoying whatever time we had with each other. We were falling in love and it was one of the best weeks I think of my life.

 

(Jon & I in Houston, Tx before a show)

 



 

(The boys being boys at Sam's house)

 

After the trip we tried our best to stay positive and keep up with each other. It was no longer as open of a relationship, because we wanted each other more at this point. We would text and talk on the phone daily. It wasn't going to be long until he would be back in Texas recording the next album, and I had no problem waiting for him.
 

 

Until the worst happen...Jon found out that he will no longer be coming to Texas to record like we thought. Our hopes when from high to dry with this news and we broke things off. I was pretty heartbroken by all of this, but eventually I got over it.

 

In 2009-2011 I ended up being tied down with a boyfriend and we still kept in touch as friends. He was back with his ex girlfriend and trying to work things out with her. We would give each other support in our relationships, while also keeping in mind that anything could happen. I wanted so much to give up on the idea of Jon and move on to a life with Cody. I even told Jon that we couldn't talk on multiple occasions because I truely wanted to give my relationship everything I had. Jon never truly let me give up completely on the thought of us. I'm glad that I didn't too.

 

Well eventually my relationship came to an end and Jon's did as well. We decided to give it a shot right after my relationship ended, but it was too soon. He took a trip to Texas and it ended up not working out because my heart was still healing from my break-up. We just weren't ready for each other yet. We both took some time to ourselves to grow up and we did quite a bit of it.

 

Well, a year or so later we decided that the time was right. Jon had done some much needed growing and I had done the same. We decide at this point it's all or nothing and decide to go all in. Yes, that means we were Facebook official. It's been 4 months now and we are still going stronger than ever. It took us long enough, but now we're at a point where we can truely be together and we've never been so sure about us. I love you Jonathan Michael Somerton. Always will.

 

 

 

 

Let's get it on: How soon is too soon?

Yeah you heard me...we're going to talk about sex.

 

Knockin' the boots, getting it on, doing it, doing the nasty, gettin' it in, smushing, doing the hanky panky, the bedroom tango, or just simply having sex.

 

Today I asked some of my Facebook friends about what their thoughts on the subject of sex too soon were, and I really enjoyed reading the responses.

 

Male: "Generally, you would want to lay down a foundation before you get physically intimate, just so your relationship doesnt revolve around sex. But then again sometimes things just click so perfectly that it makes its way there real fast. Really its just all about the match up. My opinion atleast."

 

Female: "For me, I don't want to get too deep into a dating relationship without knowing how sexually compatible I am with someone. And the only way to know that is to have sex. I don't advise it in all situations, but I'm not a fan of "waiting." Sex is important to relationships. I don't think it should be the foundation, but I feel like sometimes people who advocate a certain number of dates before sex are really just using sex as a manipulation tactic, a bargaining chip, and I despise that. If you have a healthy sense of self and are not prone to fall in love instantly just because you have sex, then you should be fine. In general. But again, that's just my view of sex."

 

Female: "I guess I agree with the general thought here, it depends on what you want out of it. For me, if I like you, and maybe wanna date you, I'm going to make you wait. That might sound like a "bargaining chip" or manipulation tactic, but the fact is, we are humans and we respond to that. The reverse is true too. It might be totally stupid, but people DO lose interest when something is too easy. It's in our chemistry, so whether it's modern, or sexist, or a game, it's human nature. And if I want to hold someone's interest, I'm gonna keep a few tricks up my sleeve. "

 

Male: "I can safely sit up on my very late 30's pedestal and say that twentysomethings are waaaaay too impulsive. Anything great is worth waiting for. That could be 4 dates or 4 months. Not 4 hours, though. Sex complicates things. It implies a commitment where one may not exist, it implies a deeper understanding where one may not exist, and it places too much trust where it possibly shouldn't exist. Don't get hung up about when, just exercise self control, and the time will automatically be right. SELF CONTROL"

 

Female: "I also agree sex is important to a relationship. But I think it's more important to explore the mind thoroughly before you explore the body. I don't feel like that could be done in two dates even if you spent 48 hours with them. If you are feeling a "connection" that quickly I think you're just lusting which I don't necessarily think is a connection. People lust over people they have never even met or characters in books or movies that are made up. Just my opinion though. To each their own!"

 

 

       This subject is another touchy one, because there are so many different views on the topic. That is the direct reason that I decided to write about it.  I am not going to sit here and tell you what is right and what is wrong, but simply take it from all angles.

 

Prince Charming or a One night Romeo?

Let's take it from the male perspective...If you meet a girl and she is down right gorgeous, but the first night you meet you get drunk and wind up in bed together...does that change your opinion? Probably so. Daniel told us that we have to set up a foundation before getting in bed to keep the relationship from revolving around sex. Can lust cloud your vision and make you feel that you're in love when you're not? Absolutely. Let's now turn it around and take it from a girls perspective. If there is a cute guy that you end up in bed with on a Saturday night, are you more likely to never call him again just because you slept together? This is also true. Although, most people like to take it from the male point of view on the subject we are living in 2012 people...ladies are just as likely to never call you again because you are now viewed as a "one hit wonder".

 

Yeah I said it...in this day and age I don't believe the ball is completely in the guy's court anymore. I know for a fact that some ladies will sleep with a guy and be completely turned off because HE slept with HER on the first date. So what I'm trying to say here is that in most cases the consesus is right, "You're not going to buy a cow, if you're getting free milk".

 

It's true that there can be an exception to the rule...as there always is.

 

"Sometime it just feels so right you dont feel the urge to wait, and them sometimes a slower approach feels much better. All depends on the chemistry between 2 people."

"My husband and I meet on a one night stand ;) 8 years together...... There's no rules :)"
 

On the topic of sex with a partner for the first time I believe that communication is key. If you are not on the same page, then you probably never will be. My current relationship started with a wait, and our relationship is so great because of it. Although I can also say that if you don't feel any connection with your significant other...sex isn't going to change that. (You will end up staring as a ceiling for hours wondering when it'll be over). Now I'm not saying that if you don't wait an exact amount of time to have sex that you will be doomed. That's just sily...there shouldn't be a 5 date policy or anything of the sorts, but you have to wait until you know for sure that it is what you want.
 

Ladies...

 

The most important thing for you ladies is that it feels comfortable and natural. If you feel like at any time you are feeling pressured or that it is one sided, don't do it. There have been times in my life that I have been put into that situation and I let it happen. It only leaves you feeling hollow and disconnected. 

 

KNOW YOUR BOUNDERIES. Most people don't even know their own boundaries and therefore there is a grey area when it comes to sex. Having sex with someone that you are interested in forming a relationship with doesn't simply rely on physical boundaries..but emotional too. This may mean waiting till marraige if you so believe in true Christian values, or just simply waiting until you feel committed and ready. Either way, know what you want before you are even placed in the situation where you have to choose.
 

Guys...

 

 "Make sure your brain, heart, and penis are in conjunction -- they should all be in a straight line before you have sex," -Cheryl McClary, PhD, JD, professor of women's health at University of North Carolina-Asheville

 

I think for guys this topic is just as important as it is for girls. You as well need to know what boundaries you want for your next relationship. I am pretty sure although a lot of you put up the "I just want to get it in" front, most of you are just waiting for that right girl to make it all worth it.  I asked my boyfriend his thoughts on the subject and he said, "Anything willing to wait for I believe has more depth and passion and makes the whole experience way more worthwhile". You can have good sex with a complete stranger, or you can have GREAT sex with somebody you truely care about...the choice is yours.

 

So, in the end the choice is yours whether you want to wait or explore your sexuality with your new partner. All I ask is that you know what you want and where you stand. Make sure you know your boundaries and also what you are looking for in your next partner.

 

"Its just a matter of what you want, how much you love yourself, and expectations...honestly."

 

Well put Lauren.